An Open Letter To The Friend I Lost

There’s no easy way to deal with friendship loss. I think we have all experienced this in our lifetime.

I contemplated sharing this for so many reasons, but I felt that some of you could relate and may need to hear this too.

Losing a friend….ouch.

Not just losing a friend, but a best friend, someone you thought would be there for you through thick and thin. This is your compadre and bestie for life. Someone you thought would be in your life until you were both old and gray.

My heart still hurts when I think about the best friend I lost.

It’s a wound that will never heal because this person will always have a special place in my heart no matter where our friendship stands.

At one point we were invested in each other’s every day lives. I knew what my friend was doing each day and I knew that no matter what, this person was always going to be in my life as I would be in hers.

In my heart and mind, our friendship was unbreakable.

I’d describe losing a friend of this level to experiencing a close death. You go through the mourning phase where all you do is cry when you think about that person and you question everything.

You sit there and you rethink every move, every step and word wondering how you got to this point.

It hurts. It’s painful. As I’m typing this, tears are welling up in my eyes.

You go through the stage of anger where you point the finger, but it’s truly all a front. Anger is just the emotion used to cover up the pain you are feeling.

I lost my friend suddenly. I felt blindsided when things escalated so quickly and spiraled into what felt like an unexplainable bad dream.

Am I to blame? Absolutely. I could have communicated better. The phone rings both ways. I should have felt confident enough in our friendship to be vocal, but my humanness got the best of me.

The ultimate price was paid, our friendship, for choosing to be silent.

I spent months, yes months, replaying and questioning everything. I spent a few meals crying into my food and I have no shame in saying that.

Kleenex? Pass em this way.

I remember the months I prayed to hear from my friend. It didn’t happen, but I kept praying her name would light up on my phone, but it didn’t happen.

I’m not going to lie, pulling away was easier than facing what I was feeling. Pulling away was actually running away from the problem and we all know that isn’t effective and it wasn’t.

I don’t take friendships lightly. I don’t take losing a friend, any friend, lightly.

When you come into my life, it’s forever. Our friendship is forever.

My friends have become my family and the people I turn to daily. I love my people and I love them hard. The thought of losing any member of my team is nearly unthinkable because I keep my circle small for reasons of my own.

I’m sorry to share that this story doesn’t end the way you probably wished. There was no magical Mary-Kate and Ashley moment where we talked it out, gave each other a hug and became best buds again.

We still live separate lives, but I know there is no ill will between the two of us.

I wish her the best. I pray for her daily and I trust God’s plan for the direction he steered our friendship.

In the meantime, I thank God for the life lessons she taught me, because there were many- too many to count. I thank God for giving me the strength I needed on the days when I didn’t feel I would ever get over this.

The truth is, I won’t ever truly be over it, but I’m able to find peace with the present and find contentment with the “now” and that is all I can ask for.

If you have experienced friendship loss, you know this feeling. I may have picked at a wound that was on the verge of healing.

My advice to you on how to deal with this type of loss:

Never forget the good times. Always speak well of the other person and never point the finger. You owe yourself a peaceful mind and heart.