Coming out with this topic in the title because I’m just so tired of going above and beyond and feeling nothing in return and THAT’S the truth.
It can be so exhausting, draining and literally feel like you are running into a brick wall. It’s defeating and every time I put my heart out and put in the work to “get there,” I feel as though I’m basically calling the cattle for a stampede.
I try so hard to accept when people don’t show up for me, but the truth is that it hurts so freaking bad. I try and try and try with people and continually hurt and do you know what? I’m so damn tired of it.
I’m extra tired right now because I feel like my full-time job is to cater to others. Lately, I feel like my job has been this endless cycle of making sure everyone around me is okay only to cry myself to sleep most nights because I’m not okay and few people notice or acknowledge it.
It’s gut wrenching and it leaves a lump in my throat as I type this.
I know people judge me for not doing enough, showing up enough, calling enough (blah blah blah) but the truth is that I’m tired. I’m tired of calling first, reaching out, making the effort. I’m tired of it always being me, me and ME because it has ALWAYS been me.
You know, when is the last damn time someone called to check on me to see how I was doing? Can I get an amen from someone in the comments below?
Fun fact about phones…you can make and receive calls along with text messages! If my 93 year old grandmother has mastered an iPhone, so can you! Trust me, I have all the faith in you!
I am just going to shoot it to you straight and give you the facts. I have to live by so many expectations. The expectation is for me to try and try and try, but the funny thing about this is that I am not to expect anything from others. Raise your hand if you think THAT makes sense! No hands? Didn’t think so.
The expectation is for me to text, call, show up without hesitation, be the best me for EVERY SINGLE PERSON, but accept that others just “Are who they are!” That sounds like one big pile of Oscar Mayer bologna to me! Give me some Mayo and Evangeline Maid bread for that one!
Let me walk you through what happens when Jessica does not show up.
When I don’t show up, text of call or am my best, I’ll just let you paint the picture because I’m sure your experience and mine are similar.
To sum it up, the judgment is nearly as painful as a modern day stoning. The irony? The irony is that those casting stones are church going folk who spend Sundays in the same pew listening to the same priest preaching the same message each week resulting in the same concept…judgement is a sin no matter how YOU feel.
*GASP HERE*
This post is written from a place of Jessica being on burn out and over going the extra mile and receiving nothing in return.
Disclaimer, I have people in my life who do everything they can to make up for the loss and those people know who they are. They set no expectations for me. They call, check in, ask me how I’m doing, but this tribe is small. This tribe is my closest people who love me when I am garbage can worthy and feel totally disconnected from myself.
You want to know the truth?
Giving so much of myself to people who I can’t get through to has just become too draining. This continuous act of me, Jessica, making a fool out of myself is humiliating. It’s hurtful. It’s heartbreaking. It has made me physically ill and I am here for the first time standing up for myself and saying that I don’t deserve this.
YOU don’t deserve this. If you think you do, I’m here to tell you that you don’t. Say it with me, “I don’t deserve this.”
You, someone who is SO WILLING to put yourself out there over and over and over again KNOWING the outcome will hurt you does not deserve this. I know your loving self triumph through it all and each time you become unchained and do what is right, good and expected of you does not deserve this.
To you who is also tired of going the extra mile with no reciprocation, you aren’t alone. I’m sitting here in a sports bra and bath towel with a scrunchy in my hair and a pore mask on my face typing this on my sofa because I’m tired. I’m exhausted with you, but you know what?
I’m here to tell you that we have a choice. We have a choice right now to choose us or choose everyone else’s comfort over our own.
So, what are you going to choose?
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