I’m finally in a place where I feel I can write this letter to myself.
I have had this post in draft for over a year and I set a goal for myself to grow strong enough to write this. At some point, I knew I had to write this. I knew in order for me to move on from the hard, this letter to myself had to be written. It just had to. It would be a disservice to you if I withheld these feelings from you who may be on a similar journey. This post was not written for everyone who will read it, but for you who does I pray this helps you.
Here we go…
It’s week 3 into 2020 and your life just took a left turn, the kind of turn that takes you from a view of the desert to a view of a beach. Know any places on Earth like that? No? Me either. It’s safe to say you just took a major left turn and are headed straight out to sea at this point with the hope that someone would throw you a life raft so you can keep your head above water.
Little did you know, drowning would actually be what saves you.
Time progresses into 2020 and life takes an even more drastic turn with a global, yes global, pandemic. So you can imagine the weight of the world, currently resting on your shoulders and heart, just got a little heavier. Your world that was now uncertain just became uncertain in a way that our world didn’t know how to navigate. and the last person that knew how to navigate it would be you, Jessica.
I know you are feeling pressure and the walls of your world feel like they are caving in. People feel like they can relate to you when you talk about the feelings you are having and the stress you are feeling, but you know they have no idea. You know the stress of having to put on a mask to go the grocery store doesn’t compare to the mask you have worn for as long as you can remember.
You feel relived because the real mask is able to hide your face that was swollen from crying. You have the luxury of hiding in your house and have no excuse to leave because the world has shut down and you are forced to stay indoors. You felt God shut down the world for you to come back down to Earth and face your reality one day at a time.
Quarantine was a blessing and answered prayer and you know you would not be where you are today without it. You would not have made this type of progress without taking time for yourself.
You said many goodbyes in 2020, Jess. You said goodbye to people, old habits, unhappiness, putting people’s happiness before your own, and you said goodbye to the old Jessica because that girl HAD to go. Out of everything you let go of, letting go of her was the hardest. Being her was comfortable. Being her was normal and all you have ever known. Being her was what you were “suppose to do and who you were suppose to be.” Being her was what was expected of you and we all know the rule book goes out the door the moment you arrive. Telling that girl goodbye brought you the peace you had been searching for. Telling her goodbye broke the mold and gave you the chance to start over and figure out who you really are and that’s what you did Jess…you figured out who you were.
That’s what some people do not see and are not willing to understand. You had to disconnect from the world to reconnect with this person God wanted you to be. You had to disconnect from people to figure out who you were without anyone’s influence. The people who loved you most wanted to keep you exactly how you were. They didn’t want you to change. They wanted you to stay in your bubble because that Jess was comfortable. That Jess looked happy, but she wasn’t.
To the 2020 Jess, you had a lot of work to do on yourself. You knew the only one that could find the happy you were searching was you. You knew you had to make changes in your life. Some changes came with ease while others brought you to your knees begging God for help in a way you had never cried out to him before. The greatest lessons of your life were learned in 2020. You grew independent in a way you did not believe you were capable of. You learned that what you needed all your life were not “things,” which is something you will have the opportunity to teach others.
You didn’t go through 2020 for nothing. 2020 was written in your path from the very beginning and the moment God decided the world needed a “You” in the world. Remember the days you begged for God to give you strength? Look at you now. Look at you who grew strong enough to write this. Look at you who put your happiness at the forefront of your heart. See what you got in return? The love you waited for.
2020 brought you love, Jessica. To the 2021 Jessica, I hope you spread those wings you grew within the last year because you are going places.
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