The Truth Is, I Will Never Stop Missing You

The day we lost you put a permanent hole in my heart. I remember this day so vividly and have relived each moment, rewriting the ending with many “what ifs.”

Though many years have passed, it seems each day brings something new that I wish I could share with you.

The truth is, I will never stop missing you.

I still remember your house number by heart and have called it over the years, wishing it would be you on the other end of the line. I remember your sweet voice and if I listen closely, I hear you in my mom.

Oh, what I would give and do to have you here with us. More than anyone, I know Mom would give anything to have you here, even if it was only for a moment.

I wasn’t the easiest to raise, especially during those teenage years. I know there were times Mom wished she could call you for advice on how to raise a sassy teenager or share those “proud parent moments.”

We just didn’t have enough time. You were taken from us just when we needed you.

I’m not glad you are gone, but I am thankful you weren’t here to see my mom go through one of the most difficult times of her life. I’m thankful you were in heaven praying for her every step of the way. In my heart, I know it was your plea with God that saved her for us, especially for me.

I’m so blessed your daughter is my mom. For the last 16 years, I have watched from a distance as she took on the role as matriarch of the family, just as she promised you. She has been a shoulder to cry on and the voice of reason for us all, just as you would have been.

She thinks I didn’t hear the nights she cried herself to sleep longing to have you here. She thinks I didn’t see her reading old birthday cards you wrote her to remember your handwriting. She thinks I don’t notice each time her face lights up when we talk about our memories with you.

In every moment, you aren’t far from our minds.

The moments I am most proud to be your grandchild are when people who knew you tell me stories about you. Each story is filled with memories of the beautiful, talented and loving person you were, the ways you will always be remembered.

Sometimes, for a split second, I walk away from these conversations feeling like you are alive again.

I know these encounters are no coincidence. I know I cross paths with these people from time to time to ease my broken heart. I know it is you sending these strangers my way to remind me you have never left me, just as you promised.

You were the light of my life as I know I was yours, and each year around this time, I am reminded of all the reasons I love you and always will.

You are every way.

I hope you are beside me one day when I fall in love and have my first baby. I will be sure my children know who you are, even though you will know them before I do.

More than anything, as you have watched me from above, I hope I have made you proud. It’s funny, I’ve only known you nine years of my life and for the last sixteen years each time we mention your name, tears fill my eyes.

In such a short amount of time, you managed to fill my life with irreplaceable and unconditional love that I long for every day.

Even though I am all grown up and not a little girl any more, all of my memories of you are when I was that little girl who loved and adored her Nana.

I will love you always, always.

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